Vaccine coercion

In the past 48 hours, I’ve gotten a disturbing number of emails and messages from followers saying their partner is using the vaccine against them.

I wanted to address this head on.

There have been three scenarios, thus far, brought to my attention from a multitude of followers:

1. Partner controlling my access to family and friends until I get a vaccine.

2. Partner not “touching” me or being in the same room as me because I got the vaccine and he doesn’t want it “shed” on him.

3. Fighting with my partner because he doesn’t want the kids vaccinated. And, I’m afraid he’s going to take them away from me while I’m in the shower.

Unfortunately, I’m not surprised.

Overall, women are more likely to get (or want) the COVID19 vaccine than men. This difference could (and does) create a rift between couples.

• Women are more likely to live longer than men, so in the first rounds of vaccine eligibility were more likely to be female. But, even with eligibility open, this gap continues.

• Decades of research has shown men are less likely to seek preventative (and non-preventative care). This has been linked to masculinity, riskier behaviors among men, political attitudes, and perceived severity of health problems.

I would, of course, need more information than a private message to say that these are examples of abuse, but on the surface it sounds all too familiar… Intimate partner violence (e.g. domestic abuse) is rampant in the United States and across the world. This is a main focus of my violence epidemiology lab.

• 1 in 4 women are a victim of intimate partner violence;

• 1 in 9 men are victims in a relationship;

• 1 in 4 homosexual couples are in a toxic relationship; and,

• The pandemic has been changing victimization (sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, and sometimes introducing new violence).

Control is the #1 type of victimization…

• Medical coercion is not new. In fact, we see it all the time in reproductive medicine. For example, a partner won’t allow someone use birth control. One of my research participants told me that their partner won’t allow them to get cancer medication. We had to find a solution and eventually got the medication delivered to her friends house.

• Controlling or threatening to take children away is another common example of victimization.

What can you do?

1. Recognize the control (or the shame for getting a vaccine) is abuse. Emotional blackmail or acting superior is a sign of emotional abuse too.

2. Don’t isolate yourself or allow isolation from your support group. Keep in contact with your friends, even if this is virtual. Several of my followers have given me permission to share their email address with other women in their similar situation. If you would like someone to talk to, that’s going through a similar situation, please private message me and I can link you. All of your information will always stay confidential with me.

3. Take care of your mental health. Couples therapy is a great place to start for conflict. If your partner doesn’t want to go, go for yourself. If you’re in an abusive relationship, go by yourself. Hell, I go. And it’s amazing. Not for my partner, but for the stresses of life. I think this world would be a better place if everyone went, regardless of relationship status.

4. Safety Plan. Abuse can escalate. Sometimes it’s slow. Sometimes it’s fast. If you notice escalation, you should create a “safety plan”. Safety planning is the first thing we do with women that are worried. It’s basically a brainstorming session (in your brain or with someone else). Like, create a code word with your children that it’s time to hop in the car or a word you can text your neighbor. Some of the preparations might seem obvious, but it can be hard to think clearly or make logical decisions during moments of crisis. Having a safety plan laid out in advance can help you protect yourself and others in high-stress situations. Advocates can help you plan, for free, if you go here.

5. You control your body and your medical decisions. No one else. Period. For COVID19, a vaccine is literally the best thing you can do to protect yourself, your partner, and your family from COVID19. The vaccine, in no way, can shed or hurt others. In fact, it HELPS others by slowing (and sometimes stopping) the spread and lowering the viral load.

Friends and Family

You would be SHOCKED to know how many people close to you experience victimization. People are very good at hiding perpetration and victimization.

The best thing you can do is stay in contact with your friends. Don’t let them isolate themselves. If they reach out, be understanding. Show empathy. Let them talk. You don’t always have to provide solutions.

Love, YLE

If you are in need of help, here are a few national resources for you. Emergency domestic violence shelters are open and helping women AND men that are victims of abuse.

• National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

• National Domestic Abuse Chat (if you can’t talk on your phone): https://www.thehotline.org/what-is-live-chat/

• Dallas Area Rape Crisis Center: 972-641-7273